As we saw in the previous post, most of the people acquire their HSoftware without exercising much scrutiny and control over it. They do not check the authenticity of the source and the quality of the acquired HSoftware. It results in accumulating a good degree of obsolete, wrong and less effective HSoftware.
Furthermore, they start using this acquired HSoftware for their day-to-day observations, analysis and actions. Now this HSoftware being inferior, results in less effectiveness of thinking and actions and the results are less than what they could have been if a superior HSoftware was used.
By this process of repeated utilization of such inferior HSoftware, their HSoftware makes a more or less permanent seat in the minds of the people and ultimately, it becomes their “mindset”.
We will cite a very simple example here. You will agree that a large number of housewives or home makers wish to be effective and efficient. And they should be. Why not? Always reeling under a severe constraint of lack of time and compulsions of maintaining punctuality in every activity, they wish to hurry up on everything- all of their domestic chores.
Then, for accomplishing it, they get into a habit of expediency. They start working haphazardly. For example they may start scooping out from various cupboards in the house everything that is needed to finish up that job within the time available. Take cooking as a case in point. As a homemaker, you are under the pressure of completing cooking in time since you, your spouse and children have to start for their workplaces on time. So, to do the job fast enough and not to lose time, you pick out from the cupboards all the needed utensils, all the gadgets, all the raw materials and spread all of them around you, all at a time on your kitchen platform and island. You think that placing everything around you would allow you easy access to them. But the very clutter around you really becomes an obstacle in effective and efficient working. Plus, you are compromising on safety due to the clutter. The entire kitchen looks untidy and aesthetically inferior and the work place is unsafe.
After the cooking is complete, you find that there are hundreds of things on your kitchen platform and island now and you just do not have time and energy to put these things back in the places meant for them. It’s time up for you; you and everyone else in the family have to rush out to accomplish the next tasks ahead. So, you leave the kitchen in this kind of unorganized condition. Then, in the evening, you start from where you left, take out some more things to do the evening’s cooking and the clutter keeps mounting. The whole of kitchen starts looking untidy. The retrieval is difficult and time consuming. Working is unsafe.
Over a period of time, this routine becomes your mindset and you start accepting it as the best way to cope up with your kitchen chores effectively and efficiently.
The fact is that you need to change and you need to change for better as soon as you can.
So, rather than following the procedures you have so far adopted for your kitchen work, you need to bring about a change in it. You need to plan out your cooking sequence. You need to take out one thing at a time from the cupboards that are just a step away from you in the kitchen; they are not far away from you. After you have used that thing, you need to put it back in the cupboard in its place immediately. The time taken to use that item is the same- you are not taking any extra time or losing any time. You are as efficient. You have to do this for each item of use- take it out, use it and place it back in the same condition in which you took it (if there was a lid on bottle, place it back securely) and position it in the same place from where you took it out.
You will take same amount of time and yet, there would not be any clutter around. The kitchen will look tidy and will be a safe place to work.
Changing the ways in which you work in kitchen can give you the extra effectiveness, safety and tidy look you have been craving for but you could not accomplish.
Let us look at one more example from the family domain. In most of the marriages a husband has got some expectations from his wife and wife has some expectations from her husband. Many couples do make some allowances for the differences in their habits, interests, outlooks, thinking etc and even accept each other despite some conflicting aspects on these matters. These differences are obviously an outcome of the differences in their individual HSoftware. However, many, why majority of husbands want that their wives should be like them in most aspects and the wives want the husbands to be like them. Carrying it too far can create problems.
So, for improving husband wife relationship, don’t expect your partner to be your carbon copy.
It is therefore a myth that the marital discords occur only due to the differences in the personalities, attitudes likings/disliking, habits and behaviors of husband and wife. That may be a trigger but the real root cause of the dissonance or conflicts is that one of them wants the other to change into the carbon copy of the self. This extraordinary expectation can be very heavy on the other person particularly when this demand or expectation is expressed in a forceful or condescending manner. One must understand that it is very difficult to change one’s personality, attitudes likings/disliking, habits and behaviors not only in a short period but also over long period.
If the wife likes watching romantic movies or reading romantic novels and husband likes to watch action movies and action novels, it is not necessary for them to expect the other to do the same. As understanding husband and wife, they may start taking interest in each other’s likings over a period of time- that’s the best thing to happen and ideally should happen. Or it may happen that one is a very tidy person and other compromises tidiness for whatsoever reasons, one must learn to let go each other. The tidy person should compromise with other person’s untidiness and untidy person should try to become tidier gradually and also, in the process, both should help each other in making the home a tidier place. It may also happen that one finds it a necessity to pray and spends some time in the process of praying while the other person either just does not believe or is in a position to finish praying in a jiffy. Give each other some space and time on such and similar issues. Different food habits may be yet another example. While gradually developing taste for the food that is liked by your spouse is always a good proposition (though may not be always practical), the family can always work out menus that work well for all of them.
Yet, the two are unique individuals and forcing each other to become “ditto” is not the answer. The best thing will be to enjoy and celebrate the uniqueness of each other while some good changes may be taking place in both. Both should try to change for better. Acquire and implement those additional pieces of HSoftware that will help them make mutually complementary or matching. Important thing is to implement the new HSoftware in the right earnest. This change will not only save their marriage, it will bring and enhance immense happiness in their married life. Thus they become more effective in their married lives.
But first you have to accept that the old thinking was wrong. Changing the less effective mindset for a better one is necessary if one desires to become more effective.
We will like to give you one more example.
Very few people know or acknowledge that lack of self-esteem or lack of self-worth is also one of the major causes of stress.
Feeling of lack of self-worth emanates from a lopsided pattern of thinking or from your destructive view of the self.
At times it is because of constant comparison of one’s achievements with those of others by self or by other people making one feel less of an achiever. Some of such people also get into a habit of always feeling awed by others’ achievements and creating an inferiority complex in themselves. For them grass is always greener on the other side or neighbor’s wife is always more beautiful than mine syndrome.
Other times it is setting up unrealistic goals and not achieving them.
Some people look down upon their successes all the time. They rate their achievements as insignificant. They believe that they could have achieved more than what they did so far. They are unnecessarily harsh on themselves.
A habit of only looking at failures more than looking at the successes and discounting most of the successes as not worthy of being called as successes also leads to lack of self-worth.
It also happens sometimes that one has not really done an objective assessment of one’s success or achievements and has created a false feeling of being a loser because of one reason or the other. It may be fictional all you know.
We also come across situations when the person stressed due to lack of self-esteem is aware that he had not been putting in efforts towards achieving something that will boost his self-worth. This often time happens due to apathy towards life due to laziness or lack of will power.
In all of these situations one thing is sure that the feeling of lack of self-esteem will suck any person into a vicious circle that can be called as diminishing spiral of self worth. The feeling that I do not achieve much most of the times will further put a brake on one’s actions and that will further result in non-achievement. Thus it constructs a diminishing spiral and generates lots of stresses all along.
One needs to break this diminishing spiral. You have to start changing for better, to become more effective. It important to think straight and objectively about the self to achieve it. You have to shun the fictional and destructive thinking.
From now onwards, you need to start thinking more about what you achieve on an everyday basis and reduce thinking about what you could not achieve. Count your achievements or successes of the day, howsoever insignificant they may seem to you or to others. They are your successes and so, count them. Also think about those strengths of yours which helped you achieve those successes. It will be good habit to write them down as your daily journal and keep on accumulating your successes into this journal.
In addition, try to recall all of your previous achievements and successes from your childhood till today- the day from which you have decided to review your achievements on a daily basis. Document all of these lifelong achievements also in your journal.
Include even your normally termed very small achievements. Examples: “I told my kid a nice story that delighted him”. “I help my wife in cooking”. “I completed the official assignment in time today”. “I bargained and saved money in today’s purchases”. “I checked my anger throughout the day”. “My interpersonal relationship with my boss improved significantly today because I came to his rescue in a top level meeting”. “I enrolled myself in an evening MBA course”. “I did not get promotion but I did get a good raise”.
As you keep adding your new successes and achievements in your journal on a daily basis, also revise or re-visit your previous achievements and successes by reading and re-reading them. It is your affirmation system- affirming to you that you are good, you are a winner.
By doing this you are shattering your own bleak picture that you had imagined about yourself and bringing in the desired brightness.
That is the start of reversing the spiral. You have now arrested its tendency to diminish and now it will start increasing in the right way. It will turn into a positive spiral and your self-esteem or self-worth will start improving day by day. In days to come, the improvements will be more synergistic.
And finally, the continual improvements in your self-worth will pull you out of the stresses and strains.
In the foregone discussions, we saw various situations where lack of knowledge, twisted paradigms and weak will power led to stresses and therefore ineffectiveness. And if you intended to get out of it, it was mandatory to acquire better knowledge, correct your paradigms and improve your will power. We are talking about the need to “change” by acquiring better HSoftware and implementing it.
Change is necessary. However, change for sake of mere change is no good. At times, just in the heat of changing, one may get into a situation of acquiring and replacing the existing HSoftware with another still inferior HSoftware. That kind of change is retrograde. Do change but change for better. Replace the existing less effective HSoftware with a more effective, better HSoftware by scrutiny of source and quality of new HSoftware. One must change if necessary or if opportunity of growth needs it.
However, it is a well known fact that any kind of change is difficult for people. There has always been resistance to change. It is mainly because one always tries to find faults with the change, sees and highlights the disadvantages of change. You will be able to embrace change easily or with less difficulty or with less resistance if instead of asking how change is disadvantageous to me and how not changing is advantageous to me, ask how change is advantageous to me and how not changing is disadvantageous to me? That’s one of the important tricks to manage the change for better.
Related Posts (please read in the following order)
- HSoftware (Human Beings: Hardware and Software): http://shyam.bhatawdekar.net/index.php/2018/04/02/hsoftware/
- HSoftware (Evey Human Being Is Unique): http://shyam.bhatawdekar.net/index.php/2018/04/05/hsoftware-every-human-being-is-unique/
- HSoftware (Why This Uniqueness?): http://shyam.bhatawdekar.net/index.php/2018/04/07/hsoftware-why-this-uniqueness/
- HSoftware (Uniqueness and Effectiveness): http://shyam.bhatawdekar.net/index.php/2018/04/11/hsoftware-uniqueness-and-effectiveness/
- HSoftware (Fundamental Constituents of HSoftware): http://shyam.bhatawdekar.net/index.php/2018/04/19/hsoftware-fundamental-constituents-of-hsoftware/
- HSoftware (More Correct HSoftware Gives Better Effectiveness) http://shyam.bhatawdekar.net/index.php/2018/05/29/hsoftware-more-correct-hsoftware-gives-better-effectiveness/
- HSoftware (Human Beliefs or Human Value Structure: First Element of HSoftware) http://shyam.bhatawdekar.net/index.php/2018/06/09/hsoftware-human-beliefs-or-human-value-structure-first-element-of-hsoftware/
- HSoftware (Knowledge and Information Base: Second Element of HSoftware) http://shyam.bhatawdekar.net/index.php/2018/06/15/hsoftware-knowledge-and-information-base-second-element-of-hsoftware/
- HSoftware (Paradigms, Mindsets or Thinking Patterns: Third Element of HSoftware) http://shyam.bhatawdekar.net/index.php/2018/06/26/hsoftware-paradigms-mindsets-or-thinking-patterns-third-element-of-hsoftware/
- HSoftware (More on Paradigms and Paradigm Shift) http://shyam.bhatawdekar.net/index.php/2018/07/10/hsoftware-more-on-paradigms-and-paradigm-shift/
- HSoftware (Willpower to Do: Fourth Element of HSoftware) http://shyam.bhatawdekar.net/index.php/2018/07/26/hsoftware-willpower-to-do-fourth-element-of-hsoftware/
- HSoftware (Acquisition of the HSoftware) http://shyam.bhatawdekar.net/index.php/2018/08/06/hsoftware-acquisition-of-the-hsoftware/
- HSoftware (Change for Better): http://shyam.bhatawdekar.net/index.php/2018/08/20/hsoftware-change-for-better/
- HSoftware (More on Change in Paradigms) http://shyam.bhatawdekar.net/index.php/2018/08/27/hsoftware-more-on-change-in-paradigms/
- HSoftware (Effectiveness: All about Willpower to Learn; Acquiring Values, Knowledge and Paradigms; Willpower to Do) http://shyam.bhatawdekar.net/index.php/2018/09/08/hsoftware-effectiveness-all-about-willpower-to-learn-acquiring-values-knowledge-and-paradigms-willpower-to-do/
- HSoftware (Levels of Competencies) http://shyam.bhatawdekar.net/index.php/2018/09/24/hsoftware-levels-of-competencies/
- HSoftware (Soft Skills- Applied Emotional Intelligence) http://shyam.bhatawdekar.net/index.php/2018/10/22/hsoftware-soft-skills-applied-emotional-intelligence/
- HSoftware (Competency Matrix: The Procedure for Competency Development and to Become Effective) http://shyam.bhatawdekar.net/index.php/2018/11/08/hsoftware-competency-matrix-the-procedure-for-competency-development-and-to-become-effective/
- HSoftware (Putting HSoftware Model to Work for You) http://shyam.bhatawdekar.net/index.php/2018/11/10/hsoftware-putting-hsoftware-model-to-work-for-you/
Get Your Copy of the Book “HSoftware”
Get your copy of the book titled “HSoftware (The Only Key to Higher Effectiveness)” or HSoftware (Shyam Bhatawdekar’s Effectiveness Model) from Amazon online. If you are a kindleunlimited, KOLL or amazonprime subscriber, you can read free.
Books Suggested for Your Professional, Personal and Organizational Libraries (All the titles listed below are available as paperbacks and eBooks online from Amazon- you can read the ebooks absolutely free if you are kindleunlimited, KOLL or Amazon Prime subscribers)
Management, Business, Self-help and Personality Development Books
- HSoftware (Human Software) (The Only Key to Higher Effectiveness)
- Sensitive Stories of Corporate World (Management Case Studies)
- Sensitive Stories of Corporate World (Volume 2) (Management Case Studies)
- Sensitive Stories of Corporate World (Volume 1 & 2 Combined) (Management Case Studies)
- Classic Management Games, Exercises, Energizers and Icebreakers
- Classic Management Games, Exercises, Energizers and Icebreakers (Volume 2)
- Classic Team Building Games, Exercises, Energizers and Icebreakers
- 101 Classic Management Games, Exercises, Energizers and Icebreakers
- Stress? No Way!! (Handbook on Stress Management)
- HSoftware (Shyam Bhatawdekar’s Effectiveness Model)
- Competency Management (Competency Matrix and Competencies)
- Soft Skills You Can’t Do Without (Goal Setting, Time Management, Assertiveness and Anger Management)
- Essentials of Work Study (Method Study and Work Measurement)
- Essentials of Time Management (Taking Control of Your Life)
- Essentials of 5S Housekeeping
- Essentials of Quality Circles
- Essentials of Goal Setting
- Essentials of Anger Management
- Essentials of Assertive Behavior
- Essentials of Performance Management and Performance Appraisal
- Health Essentials (Health Is Wealth)
- Essentials of Effective Communication
- The Romance of Intimacy (How to Enhance Intimacy in a Relationship?)
Novels, Stories, Biographies and Travelogues
- The Peace Crusaders (Novel: how the peace crusaders established permanent peace on a war strewn planet?)
- Love Knows No Bounds (Novel: a refreshingly different love story. Also available with the title “Good People”)
- Funny (and Not So Funny) Short Stories
- Stories Children Will Love (Volume 1: Bhanu-Shanu-Kaju-Biju and Dholu Ram Gadbad Singh)
- My Father (Biography)
- Travelogue: Scandinavia, Russia
- Travelogue: Europe
- सीमाओं के परे: एक अलग प्रेम कहानी